I woke up this morning with a thought…faith. In the last few months, I’ve been struggling with faith. One of the areas that gets me down the most is finances. I’ve been through alot of pains in my life and perhaps you’ve been there too…you know the usual, backstabbers, gossipers, life not turning out the way you dreamed it would, etc. but the lack of finances is probably the only thing that takes me to the depths of despair. After years of serving God and maturing spiritually, I know that God can answer my prayers and that sometimes those answers will be no. Gary Thomas once asked a question in his book "Authentic Faith" that was brought to remembrance to me today and it was "Does our theology leave room for serving a God who would lead us toward what might turn out to be a poor financial situation but a profitable spiritual one?" Good question right?

Us Americans think that every prayer we ask God to answer will always be a yes in exactly what we asked for and that is not always the case. Since He knows better, many times it will be a no or a "what on earth are YOU thinking!" But seriously, having faith for other people’s situations is easier than having faith for your own and to go to another level, having faith for your own finances is different than having faith that you will get that call to do xyz. You get me? If you are wondering how you will pay for this or that bill or the mortgage or tuition payment, it can get a bit more desperate.

Yet, it is faith in these very situations that tells you who you really are and what you really believe. Sometimes I think I am in denial because I am "not sweating it" although logically my mind is telling me "girl, you better start sweating it!". I am leaving it in God’s hands. I know that His will for me may involve more pain than I have already endured in my life. That’s the journey. I don’t particularly love that reality but that is what it is folks. I know my God is a Eph 3:20 God, one that can do exceedingly and abundantly more than I can ever think or imagine…I know that he is a Mark 10:27 God for who all things are possible but I also know that God puts greater weight on my relationship with Him and not on my financial/material comfort level.

In the middle of questions and thoughts like this, I still must minister, teach and pray. This is real ministry in the real world through and with real people.

I did it! I did it! A week before I gave myself to do it! What is "it" you ask? My concept paper!!!

Now its a wait and see with my advisor and reader to see what the revisions will be and if I can proceed with my proposal. Pray for me PLEASE and pray for god to provide $4,250 ($2,125 by end of August and $2,125 by Jan 2006) for "continuing dissertation services" fees I don’t have and can’t get out of

The "Help Liz Graduate Fund" is currently set up, if you "care" and got a $1 to spare (I know how it could be) send your donation payable to: Elizabeth Rios, in care of Trinity International University, 111 NW 183rd Street, Suite 500, Miami, FL 33169.

The countdown begins…my timeline below:

In the movie, A Bronx Tale, Chazz Palminteri plays a mobster who "owns" a little neighborhood in the Bronx and ends up unofficially mentoring "C" the son of a local bus driver who is devoted to being a "good" family man. The mobster in one of his "profound" mentoring discussions with "C" tells him that bottomline, "nobody cares". When I heard that, in my mind I said that may be true.

Later on in the week, as I was hurriedly working on the church bulletins and putting together the worship for the next day’s service, I turned to my husband and I said to him, why do I do this "nobody cares." Then he just started to pray and said "Lord, thank you because you care!" That slapped me into a moment of feeling like a really bad Christian and let’s not even think about "pastor". But that is the truth folks. I have my moments of very high periods as I was just a few minutes ago and then my low (God why don’t you take me now) points. What happened in a span of a few minutes you ask? Let me tell you…(you know I will, why have a blog right!?)

I was filling out my younger son’s paperwork for "after care" where he will stay after school is over until my husband picks him up. As I am reading the mounds and mounds of ridiculous (in some cases) paperwork, I find that they are telling parents if you don’t make $38,000 a year for a 4 family home, you will have to pay $160 a week ($640/month). My heart sunk. I can’t afford that. This is on top of news that I have to pay $2,125 this semester because I finished my coursework earlier than the 36 months they give doctoral students to finish..(penalized for finishing early!!??). I am barely making ends meet as it is now (you know the old story after I lost what I thought would be a life long side gig its been down hill ever since) and I am struggling. As started to babble to my husband. I told him thoughts that I won’t even share on this blog and he said to me "Liz, think pure thoughts" and I told him as I closed my eyes to think of a few "nope, they ain’t comin!". He then said a comment that made me laugh and right after that very much needed laughter, I busted out crying.

Sometimes I don’t want to be strong. I’ve been strong ever since I can remember. I am tired. Sometimes I want to succumb to weaknesses, to things that will give me temporary escapes from my present realities. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I wondered out loud "what was I thinking to think I could have a normal life with a special needs child" and to start a church "I must have had a momentary lapse of judgement, that must have been a flesh move."

But then, something happened, and I was reminded of David. He felt anger, pain, despair, hurt and fully expressed them to God but still "trusted Him". Job said "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." Oh, these are the times that matter, when faith meets crisis and you decide to either have a crisis of faith or faith to go thru the crisis. I told my husband "there is absolutely no reason for me to be sane this day but for the grace of God". He said "thank God he’s kept you". He has.

"The things we try to avoid and fight against - tribulation, suffering and persecution - are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. Huge waves that would frighten the ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them. "We are more than conquerors through Him" IN all these things - not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn’t know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said "I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation". Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (Rom 8:37, 2 Cor 7:4)

When I was in my deepest darkness going through the two major life crisis of my life, God was there. He got me through. He cheers for me. He believes in me. He knows I can make it. So while I agree that there are many people I will come in contact with that "don’t care" I know God cares and that my friends, is the only somebody I need. Nobody cares? Not true, God does. Thank you Hiram for reminding me that even when I step in a crapload of problems and seemingly "going to take me out" situations, God got my back and even though tears my drop and hearts my sink "weeping may last through the night BUT joy comes in the morning."

Be encouraged. Life happens all around us but then there is God. Let’s hold on together!

You are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high

Actually I HATE black coffee. I am more of a "milk with my coffee" cafe con leche drinker. But hey, this is only a test for fun!

I have shared about my immediate family and even my husband’s family on my blog many times but did you know I have a sister? I am 7 years older than she is but in many ways she can kick my butt, like in the way she handles her kids, I don’t even have myself in such "check" (aka control). Also, I’ve shared with many that if they think I am "strong" they needed to meet my sister, Wanda! She has gone through alot in life and she keeps struttin’. My mom raised some tough chicks BUT we are so mushy. Our hearts are soft but only those close to us know that!

She has been with me since last Tuesday and she leaves next week. I don’t want her to go. It feels good to have my family here next to me. Her kids, my nieces and nephews are such good kids. I am proud of them. Ashlee the oldest is going to Bard High School and when she finishes high school she will have an Associates! That’s what I’m talking about. Empowered, confident young Latinas! She wants to be a peds doctor. (Any folks with scholarships contact me!).

This sunday in our house church service, having them all there was so good and they were my back up team! If I had money I would just move her down here. Maybe one day I can make that dream a reality. I so wish she was nearby.

So I give you a glimpse of my family, mi familia. Here they are:

Me and my sister Wanda at Bayside in Miami

Wanda, her kids (Ashlee, Alyssa, Angelisse, Michael) and my sons Samuel and DJ.

This is my mom!

Lives on Ave D.

Raised two tough smart

girls all by herself!

Go mom!

One thing about living in Florida versus "Da Bronx" is that I get alot more visitors. Having a home now, I love to have guests, share my space with others and hopefully have time to share our lives to encourage one another as we all seek to be the people God destined us to be.

This Sunday, I was blessed to have my WEPA close friend, Marcy Ramos visit us in our house church service with her husband, Dan. I missed that girl! I wanted to cry when she left. Our conversations are authentic, she can handle me when I am up and when I am down. I don’t have to worry about being "on" all the time with her. That is such a relief.

As church planter’s themselves, they "know" what we go through. The ups and downs of the calling and just trying to keep your head above water as bivocational ministers.

It was too short of a visit but hopefully next time they can stay with us. They took a 4 hour drive from Tampa (where Dan’s mom lives) to see us and we so appreciated it!

Keep them in your prayers as they planted a church right on Ave D in the Lower East Side of Manhattan (right across the street from my mom’s projects apt) and its a challenging area.

I was more than a year ago that I took the bold step to start a blog at the suggestion of long time sojourner friend Rudy. In the span of time from then til now, I’ve met some great folks. Yet met is not really the word because with many, I’ve not had the blessing or opportunity to share physical space. One person I did meet and to this day feel a soul connection with is my sister soldier, Jen Lemen. Through Jen’s blog I’ve been challenged to be more of my authentic self because she dared to be herself! She in more ways than she realized was the catalyst for some spark that led my brain on a journey and my soul to a new "place" of well-being. All that with the power of her words. She has become mi amiga (my friend). A native Floridian I always hope that one day she will return to "the motherland" — her mom is here! But alas, I know that is in God’s hands. Bob said she was like a prophet. I agree.

I share this with you all today because Jen has decided to "disappear" from the blogosphere indefinitely. I will miss her words. I will miss her spirit. There is something about reading the words of people on blogs that make you feel you KNOW them and can almost hear their heart beat for the passions they describe in their blog. Jen had a way of making that even more real. Although we are far apart and don’t speak as much as we could, we still connect in spirit as very few others (with me) do.   The following poem is dedicated to Jen. Te quiero mi amiga (I love you my friend). Jen is a gem of a friend.

A prayer for my friend...

Lord, you’ve been with me all day…
And now unto the night…
May your presence still surround me…
As I begin to write…

I, too have walked this road, Lord…
And was quick to ask you “why”?...
Troubles were all around me…
So you gave me your reply…

You opened up my eyes to “see”
The “good” you put in “others”
Especially those that call themselves…
Our sisters and our brothers…

Yes, all have made mistakes, Lord…
And we wrestle with the pain…
Of deciding who’s at fault, Lord…
When there’s nothing there to gain.

We say we want your will, Lord…
Yet you made it plain to see…
If we choose to walk in “love”, Lord..
Our spirits are set “free”

So, help us truly recognize…
Your “Spirit” from within…
As you seek to daily show us…
Our thoughts you label “sin”…

My friend…she wants to serve you…
She loves you, Lord, I know….
Listen to her cries, Lord…
Let your mercies flow…

Show her that you care, Lord…
As she seeks your face….
To guide her and direct her
Help her understand your “grace”.

My friend, she needs your help, Lord…
Like all of us do 

Come heal your humble servant…Jen
And touch her heart anew…

I pray that all her cares, Lord…
She'll lay them in your hands…
And you’ll lift any heavy burdens…
And show her of “your” plans.

Plans not to hurt her..but give her hope…
And a good future, too…
For her search has been with her whole heart…
And, your faithfulness is true.

Amen.

Every Friday from now on until day of completion, I am working on my dissertation. Today, I am up to page 17 for my concept paper to be submitted by July 30th. My topic (to be approved) is: Forming Students to Transform the World through Christ: The Development and Validation of a Faith-based Organizational Leadership Curriculum to form Transformational Leaders of Character amongst non-traditional Adult Learners.

The basic premise for the paper is that as an institution of Christian higher education that seeks to "form students to transform the world through Christ" we should be giving them opportunities through curriculum, teaching and spiritual activities (i.e. retreat at beginning of cohort, Christian leadership gathering) an opportunity to understand that at the heart of leadership is the heart of the leader. Transformational leaders of character lead from the essence of who they are not what skill set they have. How many of you ever experienced a leader who had all the right "to do’s" but was horrible at leading others? They did transform the organization to one where fear and other negative issues were prevalent. Leadership is so crucial to everything in this world. You lead whether in ministry, the marketplace or at home. What is your leading saying to others? Anyway, back to the grind…more research to do, more content to write…

"If we are to live our lives fully and well, we must learn to embrace the opposites, to live in a creative tension between our limits and our potentials. We must honor our limitations in ways that do not distort our nature, and we must trust and use our gifts in ways that fulfill the potentials God gave us."

Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak, 55