Ok, so my husband and I are doing this summer soul series in our church based on the Emotionally Healthy Church book by Peter Scazzero. It’s received alot of good reports from the congregation. I’m happy about that. But more importantly I don’t want people to feel good about what is being taught, I want them to apply so they can be transformed.
One of the reasons we wanted to do this series is because bottomline we human beings are messed up. Yes from the beginning of time due to Adam but let’s make it even more relevant, due to our past experiences, due to our family makeup and all that baggage. One thing I continue to notice in the “church world” is the real bad theology surrounding forgiveness.
People…forgiveness is a process. Forgiveness is not denial. Forgiveness is not a lobotomy causing you to forget every wrong that has occurred in your life. As one that has had to forgive (and mostly every one in the world will have to at one time or another) it doesn’t mean you don’t recall the situation.
One thing we have to be careful about is counterfeit forgiveness and thinking we are God in the way we forgive.
For example: A vague anxiety gnaws at a woman who was once assaulted. Her mind replays the crime over and over. If she cannot forget, has she forgiven?
I have wondered, When the books are opened on the great day of judgment described in Revelation 20:12, will my sins be recorded there? Has God suffered eternal amnesia? Is it impossible for Him to remember?
No. God chooses not to remember my sins. The New Testament twice cites Jeremiah 31:34 (in Hebrews 8:12 and 10:17), as if to emphasize the point: “I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” “Not remembering” is by no means equal to “forgetting absolutely.” It means not making an effort to recall something to mind.
God has not wiped out His memory banks concerning our sins; rather, He has chosen not to call them to mind against us again. I believe my sins are recorded in God’s books, but over each one is written in bold red letters “Forgiven.”
This distinction between forgiveness and still having painful memories is crucial. When we’ve forgiven, we choose not to call a person’s sins to mind against him. Yet until God’s healing is fully worked in our minds, the memory of the hurt and pain may overwhelm us again and again.
Each time, we must write “Forgiven” over the person who hurt us. Even though we must sometimes recall painful memories for them to be healed, we must refuse to allow the enemy the luxury of salting them with bitterness. In response to our prayerful determination, God our Father supplies the strength to resist the temptation to dwell on the person’s sin.
Forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting, only choosing not to call to mind repeatedly while God heals the memories.
I thought it would be helpful to post this, notes from a conference I did in NYC years ago where a speaker/author who writes about Forgiveness shared. He said this:
1. What it is:
- Moral
- It is a response to an injustice (a moral wrong).
It is a turning to the “good” in the face of this wrongdoing.
- It is a response to an injustice (a moral wrong).
- Goodwill
- Merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge.
Generosity or offering good things such as: attention, time, remembrances on holidays. - Moral Love or contributing to the betterment of the other.
- Merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge.
- Paradoxical
- It is the foregoing of resentment or revenge when the wrongdoer’s actions deserve it and giving the gifts of mercy, generosity and love when the wrongdoer does not deserve them.
- As we give the gift of forgiveness we ourselves are healed.
- Beyond duty
- A freely chosen gift (rather than a grim obligation).
- The overcoming of wrongdoing with good.
2. What it is not:
- Forgetting/Denial
- Time passing/ignoring the effects of the wrongdoing.
- Condoning
- Nothing that bad happened. It was only this one time. It won’t happen again.
- Excusing
- The person did this because…..it wasn’t really their responsibility.
- Condemning
- She/he deserves to know they have wronged me.
- “Forgiving” with a sense of moral superiority.
- Seeking Justice or Compensation
- Forgiveness is not a quid pro quo deal–it doesn’t demand compensation first.
Now with this said, can you not be one of those people making a judgement call about how other people forgive. Just mind your bizness. People have to work out their own salvation and yes, their own forgiveness of others. Give people time. And offenders who say they are truly repent should try to make the move to ask for forgiveness if they can. No, sometimes depending on the offense there are no words that you can think of to ask for forgiveness but for the truly repentant, its not about how they sound but that the person offended know in their heart that the offender truly is sorry. I don’t expect this from non-Christians but I do from mature believers. Key word mature…not every believer is mature.
The Word tells us in this world there will be trouble, so that means we’ll need to forgive as well many more times than we care to count. We just need to remember emotional health takes time to process forgiveness so that it is not counterfeit.
